You can love someone and still feel completely disconnected from them. Maybe you keep having the same fight. One of you pushes harder to be heard while the other shuts down or pulls away. Maybe the fighting has stopped altogether, but so has the closeness.
The goal is not simply to argue less. Couples counseling can help you understand the pattern the two of you keep getting pulled into, recognize what is happening underneath it, and practice different ways of responding.
Transformations Counseling Group provides in-person couples and marriage counseling in Hauppauge, NY, serving couples throughout Suffolk County and surrounding Long Island communities.
“The first and foremost instinct of humans is neither sex nor aggression. It is to seek contact and comforting connection.”
“When a partner gets the message that they are not important by being ignored or not responded to, his or her brain likely goes into a primal panic and sends danger signals to the rest of the body.”
SUE JOHNSONMany couples are not looking for a perfect relationship. They want to feel close again, communicate without every conversation turning into a fight, rebuild trust, and feel important to each other.
Lasting change requires honesty, responsibility, consistency, and practice.
EMOTIONALLY FOCUSED COUPLES THERAPY
Our couples work may incorporate principles from Emotionally Focused Therapy, or EFT. EFT looks beyond the surface argument and examines the emotional pattern happening between partners.
One partner may push harder because they are desperate for connection. The other may pull away because the conflict feels overwhelming or because they feel they can never get it right. Both responses may make sense individually and still keep hurting the relationship.
Therapy can help couples recognize that cycle sooner and begin responding to each other differently instead of automatically repeating it.

COUPLES THERAPY SHOULD BE MORE THAN LEARNING HOW TO FIGHT BETTER
Many couples find that some disagreements repeat over time. The important issue is often not whether conflict happens, but how the couple responds to it, repairs afterward, and prevents the conflict from contaminating the rest of the relationship.
The older model of Couples Marriage Relationship Counseling Therapy held the belief that ‘If couples could learn to fight better’ then everything would be okay. As a result, communication & conflict resolution techniques were introduced as a way of trying to save marriages. The long-held belief was that emotions were to be avoided in therapy at all costs. That emotions are messy and illogical and only got in the way of conflict resolution.
The problem is you can’t separate the emotions from the people who are having the disagreement. Ignoring emotions overlooks the fact that they are a great motivator for change. (In proper doses, anger motivates us to get up and do things, and worry motivates us to make plans.)
Luckily some really smart researchers and therapists realized that relationships aren’t like business negotiation where you barter for what you want. They realized that relationships are, in fact, emotional connections. Threats to these emotional bonds strain our sense of connection, resulting in a form of protest.
WHEN THE PATTERN TAKES OVER
Let’s look at an example. A wife complains to her husband about an issue that the husband takes as nagging. This perceived nagging is actually the wife’s way of saying, “I need you, are you here for me? Can I count on you to be responsive to me?” The husband sees the complaint as a deficiency that he has, that he is not living up to his end of the bargain. This results in the husband emotionally closing down or stonewalling. Stonewalling causes the wife to protest even louder. And the cycle continues.
Partner A: I’m not important to you because I can’t reach you. You’re not accessible and responsive. Then I will reach out to you louder until you hear me. (More complaining)
Partner B: I’m not good enough because you are complaining. I hide or defend against this complaining because it makes me feel bad about myself. (More stonewalling)
The cycle can continue until the couple learns to recognize it and respond differently. The roles can reverse, and every couple’s pattern looks somewhat different.
A Fight About Taking Out the Garbage That Is Not Really About the Garbage
Partner A: “You said you were going to take out the garbage. Why do I always have to remind you?”
Partner B: “I forgot. It’s garbage. Why does everything have to turn into a fight?”
What May Be Happening Underneath
Partner A may be thinking: “Can I count on you? Do the things that matter to me matter to you? Am I carrying this alone?”
Partner B may be thinking: “Am I failing again? Can I ever get this right? If I am going to be criticized anyway, why stay in the conversation?”
The Cycle: Missed expectation → hurt or protest → criticism → defensiveness or withdrawal → more distance → stronger protest
The garbage may be the subject of the argument. The deeper fight may be about whether one partner feels important, supported, and able to count on the other—and whether the other feels accepted or constantly judged as not good enough.
Couples therapy can help partners recognize this cycle earlier and begin talking about what is underneath the reaction instead of only repeating the surface fight.
Eventually the pattern becomes the problem. Therapy can help couples recognize that pattern, return to difficult conversations, repair after mistakes, and build a stronger sense of connection and accountability.
My husband and I have been to Marriage counseling at least four prior times to see Zulma and really never got anywhere so I really have to give recognition and praise to Zulma because she is the most honest, helpful, insightful therapist we have ever seen or worked with. I have also been to individual counseling in the past and again she is the only one I would ever consider going to on an individual basis if needed. It has been and is still a pleasure working with her, and I can’t express how much she truly has helped us, myself and my husband. I have recommended her to others that expressed to me that they are looking for some sort of therapy. Thank you again for this opportunity to express my gratitude.
My husband and I have been to Marriage counseling at least four prior times to see Zulma and really never got anywhere so I really have to give recognition and praise to Zulma because she is the most honest, helpful, insightful therapist we have ever seen or worked with. I have also been to individual counseling in the past and again she is the only one I would ever consider going to on an individual basis if needed. It has been and is still a pleasure working with her, and I can’t express how much she truly has helped us, myself and my husband. I have recommended her to others that expressed to me that they are looking for some sort of therapy. Thank you again for this opportunity to express my gratitude.
Zulma worked with my husband and I to reconnect. We were not getting along for a while and finally decided to seek help. With Zulma’s patience, understanding and compassion she helped to reconnect us in a way that had not existed before. We have learned so much about each other through this process (communication style, personality types, love languages and so much more). My husband was particularly hesitant about the stigma of therapy and he is so grateful that he decided to trust the process. While it was not easy by any means, we both did the work because we wanted to fix what was broken. We owe it all to Zulma and are so grateful for her! Truly one of a kind. We have now “graduated” but are not ready to let go. We both want to continue to learn and implement all of Zulma’s guidance and tools. Thank for saving us. We are so grateful for you!
My husband and I have had a fantastic experience with Ken as our couples therapists. We saw two therapists before we went to him and he is by far the best. He is insightful, compassionate and really gets right to the root of what is going on with us. I’m so glad we found him. I recommend him to anyone wanting a marriage counselor!
Pamela Kravitz is an excellent marriage counselor! I highly recommend seeing her.
Sessions are by appointment only. We can not take walk-ins. Please call, text, email, or fill out an appointment form at https://www.transformations-counseling.net/contact-us, and someone will get back to you as soon as possible. Our professional agents will do their best to match you with a therapist who is suited to your situation and needs.
The price varies depending on whether you have insurance or the type of therapy you are seeking. Please call, text, email, or fill out a request form, and someone will get back to you as soon as possible. Our professional office staff will do their best to match you to a therapist based on your situation and needs.
Please call, text, email or fill out a booking to schedule a time that works best. Our professional office manager will do her best to match you to a therapist based on your situation and needs.
We participate with most major insurance companies. Please note: Though we participate with most major insurance companies, we may not participate with your particular plan. Not all therapists participate with all insurance companies. *1199 National Benefit Fund *Aetna Healthcare *Allied Benefit Systems, Inc. *Assurant Health Self-Funded *Blue Cross/Blue Shield - (Some Plans / Contact Your Provider) *CIGNA *CoreSource *Healthfirst - New York *Humana *Medicaid New York *Medicare New York (Downstate) *Meritain Health *Student Resources (UnitedHealthcare) *UMR (formerly UMR Wausau) *UnitedHealthcare (UHC) *UnitedHealthcare / Oxford *VA Community Care Network Region 1 *Value Options (Beacon Health Options) - Out Of Network Only
An insurance deductible is "The amount you pay for covered health care services before your insurance plan starts to pay". With a $2,000 deductible, for example, you pay the first $2,000 of covered services yourself before the insurance company will start to reimburse the health care provider. Once a deductible is met, the amount you have to pay for a copay/co-insurance is set by your insurance company. You will need to contact them for the exact amount.
VERIFICATION OF INSURANCE DOES NOT GUARANTEE PAYMENT FROM YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY Pay portions are estimates based on the information provided to Transformations Counseling Group, LCSW by the patient and his or her insurance carrier. The patient/guarantor must understand that having an insurance benefit does not guarantee payment. Exact benefits are determined when claims are received by your insurance company. There is no guarantee on our part that claims will be paid. If a claim is denied, the client will be immediately billed for the outstanding amount while the denial is investigated. The insurance carrier makes the final decision as to whether payment will be made after it receives and reviews the claim. Some insurance companies use third-party processors for handling their mental health claims. This may be unknown to us at the time we verify your insurance and the information we receive can be inaccurate. We strongly recommend you check with your insurance provider for further explanation of your coverage. When a client is treated at Transformations Counseling Group, LCSW (TCG), as a courtesy, TCG’s staff contacts the patient’s third-party payor to check insurance eligibility and pre-certification for insurance payment. We do our best to get accurate information but verification doesn't guarantee payment or accuracy. We advise you to call and check with your insurance for your exact plan benefits. Every insurance policy is different. It is recommended that you contact your provider about copayment, deductible and out-of-pocket expenses, and pre-certification requirements. Also, as a courtesy, Transformations Counseling Group. LCSW will bill the client’s insurance carrier for services. The patient/guarantor is responsible for all outstanding balances should the insurance company fail to pay all or any part of the charges. The client’s Financial Counselor must be informed of all insurance coverage prior to the first visit. Any non-payment as a result of the patient’s/guardian’s failure to provide insurance information prior to the first visit is also the patient’s/guarantor's financial responsibility. It is the patient’s/guarantor’s responsibility to ensure that all insurance premiums, dues, and COBRA payments are current throughout the patient’s treatment at Transformations Counseling Group, LCSW PLLC Any costs incurred by the patient/guarantor due to a change in the patient’s insurance policy are the sole responsibility of the patient/guarantor. The patient’s insurance coverage is a contract between the client and an insurance carrier – not between Transformations Counseling Group, LCSW, and the insurance carrier. As such, the patient should be aware that insurance policies often change. It is the client’s sole responsibility to know his or her coverage. Any costs incurred by the patient/guarantor due to a change in the patient’s insurance policy are the sole responsibility of the patient/guarantor.
Please call, text, or email us for out-of-pocket rates. Email: info@transformations-counseling.com or Phone or Text 631-257-5900
Couples and marriage counseling is provided in person at our Hauppauge office. TCG's teletherapy service is available for individual adults only.
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Transformations… the path to unlimited possibilities.
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